Another testimony for permanent marriages

In yesterday's blog, Al Mohler, citing a recent article from the Washington Post, articulates a downside to divorce that has rarely been mentioned. We speak often of the impact of divorce on young children, and the detriment it is to the marriage partners, but after decades of increased divorce rates, the influence on divorce for aging parents is also being realized.

The strained relationships that result from divorce when the children are young carry over to adulthood so they are disinclined to visit their aging parents often, cultivate a meaningful relationship, or care for them in their illness.

Mohler concludes his commentary this way:

Almost 40 percent of adults have divorced parents. The bonds of family and kinship have been strained over the last century by advanced industrialization, career mobility, and a host of developments that have subverted family intactness and intimacy. But none of these can equal the total impact of easy divorce and the divorce culture that is now simply taken as a fact of life.

The impact of divorce on children has been a controversial issue for decades now. Marquardt and Glenn now point to a challenge that will explode in significance in years to come. They warn of "lonely grief" as a common experience.

In Marquardt's words:

As the generation that ushered in widespread divorce ages, an epidemic of such lonely grief may well sweep in behind it. Much of the expert literature on death and dying implicitly assumes an intact family experience. It assumes that people grow up with their mothers and fathers, who are married to each other when one of them dies. Some scholars are beginning to investigate aging and dying in families already visited by divorce. But most scholars and the public still give scant attention to the loss of other parent figures or to the deeply complicating, long-lasting effects of family fragmentation.

Here is yet another warning and reminder of what divorce represents and what happens when marriage is undermined by a social and legal revolution of this significance. This will challenge churches as well as families. "The New Alone" is a very troubling report.

The believer is not committed to marriage because of social implications or statistical surveys which might reinforce the benefits of a permanent marriage. We are committed to marriage because God is committed to His marriage to His people Israel, because Christ is committed to His marriage with His bride, the church, and because Scripture consistently teaches the righteousness of permanence in marriage.

This report does not change the reason why we are committed to marriage; but it does offer testimony to God's good and eternal plan for the family.

Sunday Leftovers (8/19/07)

In the last few years, I have heard an increasing number of times, "I love _____, but I don't like him/her..." Such a notion is a completely foreign concept in Scripture. To love someone is, by definition, to be both a friend and friendly to that person.

No where should that be more evident than in a marriage. A stable marriage relationship also produces deep friendship and fellowship. What does that friendship look like? (Meditating on the implications of these statements for the marriage relationship will be time well-spent.)

• There are no circumstances that can remove a friend's love for his friend (Prov. 17:17).
• A friend is always a defender and protector of his friend (Prov. 18:24).
• A friend stimulates his friend spiritually (Prov. 27:17).
• A friend will tell the truth to his friend rather than deceitfully flatter him (Prov. 27:6).
  

Now the temptation will often be, "where can I find someone to do that for me?" or, "how can I get my spouse to do that for me?" Yet the focus of a marriage relationship is not, "what is that person supposed to do for me," but "what is my joyful obligation to my marriage partner?" So when considering the fellowship of friendship within marriage, the joyful responsibility and privilege is to be the kind of friend to my wife that I myself would desire to have — regardless of whether she ever reciprocates or not.

The high cost of sexual sin

In preparation for Sunday's sermon, I came across this statement by Derek Kidner about the Biblical reality of what sexual sin is. [All the references are from Proverbs.]

…sexual sin is presented in the darkest colours. It is a squandering of powers that were designed for the founding of a true family that should be one’s own, and close-knit, and divinely blessed (5:9-23). It is an exchange of true intimacy for its parody (5:19, 20), a parting with one’s honour (5:9, 6:33) and liberty (23:27, 28). It is to throw away one’s best years (5:9, 11) and possibly one’s last possessions (29:3; 6:26…). It is to court physical danger and social disgrace (6:26, 32-35); and this is not all. Those who think to explore life this way are flirting with death. It is no mere detour from the best path but, in the fullest sense, a dead-end: ‘for her house sinks down to death, and her paths to the shades; none who go to her come back nor do they regain the paths of life’ (2:18, 19, RSV). To change the figure, it is a sin which sears the sinner inescapably: ‘Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Or can one walk upon hot coals, and his feet not be scorched?’ (see 6:27-29, 33b).

This is a sobering reminder — another of the kinds of truths that must be our meditation and preoccupation of our hearts as we battle against temptation in its many forms.

Permanence and Marriage

For all that was said in three sermons on marriage from 1 Peter 3:1-7, little was said about a commitment to the permanence of marriage. These three statements are an encouragement and exhortation to keep on practicing godly disciplines within the context of marriage.

We only regard those unions as real examples of love and real marriages in which fixed and unalterable decision has been taken.…If men or women contemplate…an escape, they do not collect all their powers for the task. In none of the serious and important tasks of life do we arrange such a 'getaway.' We cannot love and be limited." [Alfred Adler.]

"Before marriage, each by instinct strives to be what the other wants. The young woman desires to look sexy and takes up interest in sports. The young man notices plants and flowers, and works at asking questions instead of just answering monosyllabically. After marriage, the process slows and somewhat reverses. Each insists on his or her rights. Each resists bending to the other's will.
"After years, though, the process may subtly being to reverse again. I sense a new willingness to bend back toward what the other wants — maturely this time, not out of a desire to catch a mate but out of a desire to please a man who has shared a quarter-century of life. I grieve for those couples who give up before reaching this stage." [Philip Yancey, on the occasion of his 25th anniversary.]

"When Hyung Goo and I were deciding whether we wanted to marry each other, I noticed how everybody, Christians included, thought that the only sane way to step into marriage was if you could maintain your fantasy that everything will be fine forever. That meant we shouldn't do it because marriage is supposed to be this pathway strewn with rose petals. And you have to be able to pretend that it will be only that way for the foreseeable future. But it's not. And knowing that is actually helpful for making marital decisions.
"You're not choosing a particular future when you decide to get married, you're choosing a partner for whatever the future brings. And you're choosing to look upon a potential marriage partner as the person that, no matter what happens, I want to do this together with you. That can help to lay a more solid basis for a marriage. You're always going to be hit by curve balls and even the things that you expect are always going to be more challenging when they arrive than what you had imagined." [Margaret Kim Peterson, reflecting on her decision to marry a man dying of AIDS.]

Sunday Leftovers (6/10/07)

Call this, "How to listen to a sermon about marriage (or any sermon)."

There is a temptation when a pastor announces his sermon topic as being "the roles of husbands and wives in marriage," for a husband or a wife to inwardly cheer, thinking, "Wonderful! I am so glad we came this morning for my wife/husband to be able to hear this. She/he needs to change…"

Is this profitable listening and worship?

I am struck by the fact that God approaches the subject of marital roles and attitudes in the same way through two different pens: Paul and Peter. In Ephesians 5:22ff and 1 Pt. 3:1-7, both writers address both husbands and wives separately and distinctly. Both write in this manner: "In the same way, you wives…" (1 Pt. 3:1). And, "Husbands, love your wives…" (Eph. 5:25). With those particular addresses, God is not only drawing the attention of both husbands and wives to their particular responsibilities and calling them to be especially attentive to the words, but is also affirming that the words are for husbands or wives alone. The wife is not responsible to obey the words to the husband, nor is the husband responsible to follow the words to the wife. That's obvious enough.

But this is also true: nor are these words written to give the husband a figurative hammer to hold over his wife's head (nor a wife over the head of the husband). The husband should be encouraged that God has clearly written about the role of the wife, but it is not his "responsibility" to enforce her obedience. That is not worshipful listening to a sermon.

Worshipful listening to a sermon says, "This word is being spoken to me. How can I take this truth and use it to be transformed into greater Christlikeness this week?"

The Word of God is powerful and able to do at least four things in the life of the believer. As we listen to sermons, we should always be asking at least these four questions:

• Is there some truth being revealed which I did not know? (Learn it!)
• Is there some sin in my life which needs to be addressed? (Confess it!)
• Is there some spiritual weakness which needs correction? (Obey it!)
• Is there some righteousness which I need to put on and in which I need training? (Put it on!)

So, go back to the moment when a husband and wife, who are struggling in their marriage, here this topic announced by the pastor: "This morning's sermon addresses a Biblical understanding of how a husband graciously leads and a wife humbly submits in a godly home." How shall they respond? "Wonderful! I am so glad we came this morning, because we are struggling in our marriage, and I know that the primary responsibility is mine. I want to hear this word so that I can be changed and honor God more righteously in my home. Lord, will you give me ears to hear and a heart to obey the truth that I hear this morning?"

That will be both profitable listening and worship!

Sunday Leftovers (6/3/07)

A fundamental means of surviving — no, thriving — in marriage is by cultivating love in that marriage.

Husbands are called to love their wives (Eph. 5:25-30).

Wives are called to love their husbands (Titus 2:4).

In the classic passage on love, all believers (including both husbands and wives) are called to a life of love and self-sacrifice (1 Cor. 13:4-8a).

And in Peter's summation of the responsibilities to each other, both husband and wife are to be "brotherly" in their love for each other (1 Pet. 3:8).

So how might we define love?

I have always liked a sdefinition provided by Tim Kimmel that I slightly modified:

"Love is a commitment of my will and my affections to your needs and best interests, regardless of the cost to me."

Every word of that definition is important.

• Love is a commitment of the will. It is not something that just happens to someone, but love is intentional and volitional. It is a decision made repeatedly and constantly.
• Love is a commitment of the affections. Love is not just a cold decision, but is a decision that is made with a commitment to be warm and tender. Someone once asked me, "I know I have to love her, but do I have to be her friend?" Scripture knows no such distinction. To love is to be fully engaged and tender towards another.
• Love is a commitment to the needs of another. To love is to say that I am committed to suppressing my needs in order to meet the needs of another. Her needs are more important than my own.
  
• Love is a commitment of the other's best interests. That is, not only are we committed to serving the one we love to provide what she needs, but also things that may not be a "need," but will be in her best interests — to stimulate her love for Christ, to encourage her heart, to demonstrate gratitude, to equip her for service.
• Love is a commitment, regardless of what it costs me. This is where many marriages fail — there is a limit to how far one will commit his will, affections, or service. But love that is genuine has no limitations. It always forgives, it is always kind, it always is patient, it always perseveres. Love never fails. [You might read 1 Cor. 13:4ff again.]

So survival in marriage is rooted in a love that is ever upheld and practiced with full joy and faithfulness. That will produce a marriage that not only "makes it," but one that also thrives!

Sunday Leftovers (5/27/07)

As is often the case, I didn't finish my sermon on Sunday.

Not only did I not complete the sermon, but I left unsaid a number of things along the way. Here are a few of them (saving still a few for this coming Sunday)…

Peter's words to wives and husbands in 1 Peter 3 is in the immediate context of how to persevere in difficult and even unrighteous circumstances, answering the question, "How can a believer live a holy life as light to a dark world when treated unjustly?"

But these words also sit in the broader context of all Scriptural instruction on marriage. And particularly, these admonitions are rooted in the account of creation and the creation of the institution of marriage. There is no understanding 1 Peter 3 (or any other injunction on the home) without understanding Genesis 2.

So when Peter commands husbands to "live with your wives…" (3:7), it is with the backdrop of Genesis 2 in mind. To live with your wife means that the husband lives with her in such a way that reflects their oneness and unity. They are not two separate identities with two different objectives and two different purposes and passions who just happen to have the same address. A husband and wife are two people who have been brought together in the most unique relationship with a singular objective, purpose and passion. In every sense of the word, they are one, and everything the husband does in leading his wife demonstrates that he is one with her.

This will be reiterated in v. 8, when Peter exhorts both husband and wife to let every aspect of their lives be harmonious — reflecting that unity of heart.

How might a husband demonstrate his unity with his wife? Writing in a different context, Samuel Logan Brengle wisely noted that:

"[Spiritual leadership] is not won by promotion, but by many prayers and tears. It is attained by confessions of sin, and much heartsearching and humbling before God; by self-surrender, a courageous sacrifice of every idol, a bold, deathless, uncompromising and uncomplaining embrace of the cross, and by an eternal, unfaltering looking unto Jesus crucified. It is not gained by seeking great things for ourselves, but rather, like Paul, by counting those things that are gain to us as loss for Christ. That is a great price, but it must be paid by him who would be not merely a nominal but a real spiritual leader of men, a leader whose power is recognized and felt in heaven, on earth, and in hell."

One final observation of the exhortation given to the husbands. Genesis 2 says that husband and wife are one flesh. And this passage emphasizes that the husband is to love his wife by living with his wife, while Ephesians 5 emphasizes that he is to love his wife by giving himself up (like Christ) for his wife. So in all he does — in both life and death — the husband demonstrates by word and deed that he is for his wife and the unity of their marriage.